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This day just blew.

If there was something to go wrong, it did.

Now, before you just click away, know I’m not complaining. I turn here when I have to just get it all out. I have for years; don’t see any reason to stop now because I get quite a bit of great feedback from a great many folks on here who have watched all the “stuff” happen over the last several years, the good, the bad & the oh so very ugly.   I write it down because if I don’t then the junk just fills up in my head and permeates everything, and I really don’t like that – it’s not good for me, nor anyone around me.

The funniest / strangest thought entered my mind as I drove to work this afternoon.  It’d already been a shit day.  I looked in the mirror and saw my scowl and thought – UGH you gotta get rid of that and then I was reminded of why it was there in the first place and I thought “You know, I really hate it when I see bad things happen to good people, especially when that “good people” is ME.”  And then I cried a little bit over how sad that sounded.  I didn’t know if it was really funny or if it was really sad.

Being bipolar, you start to sink into an episode – which this isn’t, I don’t believe, and there IS a difference – and you notice things changing around you.  I know my triggers and yes, stress is definitely one of them, but there is good stress and bad stress.  My “good stress” has been quite high for a long while and that is the stress that is associated with creativity and spirituality, trying to “be” a good person, or a better person than you were yesterday, or doing the right thing, etc. etc.,  THOSE things used to be BAD stresses for me because I just simply wasn’t living up to them, and they are essentially the things that make us human.  I didn’t really feel basic human for a long time.

My stresses right now are multi-fold:  Jobs canceling on me, big ones too, unexpectedly and within a 30 day period that will affect my income, which has changed in the last 6 months and not in the best of ways, but was a necessity to save my sanity,and oddly, stresses now attached to creative outlets, mainly the stresses I’ve created regarding “Worth The Wait”.  I have so much work left to do with it and never enough time to fully concentrate on it like I want.  I also know the “way” in which i work and while I don’t doubt my ability to finish it, I have a little voice in the back of my head that is trying to tickle me in an unpleasant way, making me think “I can’t do it”….that’s the voice that worries me.  For it allows oceans of self-doubt to rush in, old feelings to surface, and with those, very, very scary thoughts get chained to them and they are thoughts that I never want to think again.

If you’re reading this far, then I hope I’ve written well enough that you’re saying either A) Ok, I know him well enough to know he’s ok, he’s just talking.  or B)  I know him kinda well enough and I’m not worried about him because I see how well he’s done in the last year, this is growing still or C)  This guy is a real freak and I’m gonna just keep reading to see what else gets written.   If it’s “C”, then I can’t say anything else other than this is just me and trust me, there’s nothing to be alarmed at here – I just have to say it all.

For the first time in a loooooong time today, my “mental clarity” shook to a frazzled enough state without feeling like I was having an episode that for a brief fleeting moment I found myself thinking “I wish I’d just gone through with it sometimes”.  By that, my dumb side was referring to a very serious intention to “off myself” about 7 years back.  That intention is gone, no reason to freak out anyone, I’m just saying it popped in my head today.  I was kind of shocked, and, being Mr. Emotional 2015 (lifetime member) it made me very sad.  The last year has been incredible growth – I look at the changes I’ve made, the advancement of my own everyday thinking, and then this crap popped in?  WTF?  Who said that?

It’s nothing I’d do at this point in time for sure because I’ve discovered the lighter side of life and am very happy about that but some other issues just compounded the bullshit factor today especially.  I feel somewhat “lost”….unattractive though I’m smaller in physical size than I’ve been in 20 years,  have pent up physical energy that is wasted and undesired, the aforementioned lack of time (or is it just time management skills?) to divert that energy correctly and on the right places (walking, working out, the album) makes it all that much more frustrating and then I feel that my need in certain areas of life is only mechanical to some around me……is it overthinking or acute awareness?  That in itself could drive a man mad.

Other items are floating on the edge of this pity circle that I won’t even list or write about here…I feel somehow it will all pass.  I saw amazing people tonight with great talents; I love them and they make me feel safe and warm, some more than others; that is how groups work and people you love.  This group does not know how much of my very life I owe to them.  But I think they know who they are.  I see young with life in their eyes, same aged with knowledge in their souls, and older with ALL OF IT In their hearts….I wonder “where do I fit in that?”  I only get scared when I can’t find my place, and hence that “lost” feeling takes control and scared the bejeesus out of me… displacement….unwantedness….

I try to “show” my feelings/thoughts and for my whole life, the only thing that ever seems to get the most attention seems to be through any kind of artistic expression, whether that is through music (easiest) and later, acting.  For whatever reason, the spirits that control us and bring us together set something in me that allows me to at least try it that way, and I always come back to music.  What I’m working on right now, maybe my hesitations and slowness are out of fear that once anyone, or especially several anyones hear it, that it’ll be laughed at or ridiculed, and …. how will that feel?  It’s certainly not hip hop or rap, it’s not the current sound, it’s just what’s in my heart….what led me here, being put together the only way I know how to do it, and I hope that is what shows.

I’ll probably cut & paste those last two paragraphs if this doesn’t post right to social feeds…. I’m somehow feeling slightly better by writing it down.  Sometimes I’m all I’ve got to really detail this out this way, so not, it’s not narcissistic it’s just more like an open journal.  Maybe someday it’ll make for a hell of a song.

If you made it this far, kudos to you and thanks for reading 😉   Let’s do it all together.

K

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