“When the truth in a stranger’s eyes is strong enough to make you doubt your own convictions, it’s time to set the toys aside and decide what it is that creates your life.”
That applies even if your own convictions are honest and true within yourself – but it is not a bad thing to have your world shaken up necessarily – although the force of which that shaking happens can definitely have a “suckage scale” from 1-100 in intensity and fright level.
I do not know what’s happening to me right at the very moment but I can tell you it’s profound, lovely and correcting, if that’s the appropriate word. There’s almost a feeling that a metamorphosis of the spinal fusion I had 3 years ago with the intensely personal revelations of 2015 has occurred and set in motion or created an alignment of sorts…
An alignment that not only has finally jolted my mind into a track of knowing which way to go, but also an additional sense of “being”…as if a clicking of the instinct wheel just happened and my mind said, “Oh, yeah. That’s right. Okay. Go.” As if a pre-loaded spring finally was triggered and now the feeling I had of “catching up” last year, which got slammed into reverse for me much at my own inability to “deal” with something and was also catching up with me on its own, finally all jumbled together and placed the needle back into the correct grove on my record.
As 50 now sits proudly on the mantle of my mental fireplace and even starts to get that little “ting” when the light is allowed to hit it, on a nearly daily or at least weekly basis, I feel that step into the room of Man I Wanted To Be. And there’s more & more of that room I truly like, and knew I would. The walls are getting painted the shades I wanted them to and if the ones that aren’t the right colors or sizes aren’t just right, well, now I am seeing how to redesign without tearing down the house. It’s slow, but it works. Holes still get knocked into the walls and for that I just need to be a better Carpenter. And yes, I capitalized that for MANY reasons, some of you will know why, some of you won’t at all, and some of you will know there’s probably more than one reason why now.. But hey, I gotta keep some secrets.
There are some things that will never change in that room. Where it used to always be dark, I feel it’s eternally lit. I make it beautiful with what I allow into it, and I alone control the intensity of the affect of the room. There is everything and nothing selfish about that, for fine tuning a room is where you make the guests in your lives the most comfortable, but you must also be able to show your guests how a room becomes beautiful.
Many of the children that get let in will not understand no matter how many times you clean the wall and give them the instructions. Some of them will continue to color outside the lines with false bravado and flamboyant terror, both worn bigger than the badge of the Sheriff of Nothingham. Yeah, spelled it that way on purpose. Some of the kids will “get it” and continue to color outside the lines anyway and then figure out a way to put it all together to create works of beauty you couldn’t have even begun to understand. And that is when the room works.
There’s a band camp I have attended on many occasions, and the kid were all great. They mostly all came wanting to just learn and have fun. I’d say roughly 95% of them. A few of those 95% rose to the top and ended up having some kind of “responsibility” within the camp because the bandleader trusted them with parts of his chores. He still had to answer to the principle, is how he described it, and they all knew it was important. And out of those few, almost all of them constantly did the absolute best chore/job they could do, but you’d always have 1 or 2 that did absolutely NOTHING to be helpful, or their duties, despite the privileges that came with their “heightened positions” within camp….mainly like Junior Counselors. Those 1 or 2 always complained about “stuff” the others did, nitpicked at their counterparts, whined, etc… basically just “made noise”… thinking it was going to make their voices somehow more important and therefore, taken care of and recognized as “right”…. and then they could never understand why others would just look at them blankly when it didn’t go their way… They’d usually “take their toys and leave” but it leaves such a lasting impression…
I still think about those kids, and know that for a great period of my life, I was one. 100% card carrying whiner/complainer, about anything. So over the years when I discovered that the more I just applied myself to anything I truly cared about with truth, effort and intention, without worrying about others “stuff”…being responsible for my OWN things and trying to do the very best that only I could do… so much changed… and as that thought process grew, I realized it was the advice that I’d been given years ago at band camp….but of course I couldn’t have recognized that message then. It took life…
It took illness, it took tornadoes, it took friends….literally “taking” friends as there are souls now gone, by my age, that I’ll never get to see again, people I truly loved, that I’ll never get to have that “hey you remember that time you told me……” conversation with.. or look in their eyes and just laugh my ass off. If only I could have been so “aware” back then, and realize what greatness could have been achieved at 25, or 26….. Seems like a lifetime ago…
Anyway, this last month has me writing things down like:
“I rage on a highway of silver wings,
moonling, candles, and magical things….”
and it’s a wonderful excitement as I know some excellent writing is coming…
I have literally felt a spiritual / mental growth boost and/or alteration and even driving back from Farmersville TX tonight, in the car, I almost felt as if I could almost see a “molting” of a shell of my aura….I’ve seen auras around people now for over a decade… don’t really talk about it much and not everyone’s is always prevalent….and I’ve only seen mine once before. But I saw “something” leave me tonight, and I was excited by it.
No fear.
Live KNOWING that it will change and you must be willing to follow it…..for me, the chance of a fulfilled life with the artistic and creative energy living inside of me is something I will never ignore, and I am completely convinced that the opportunities that keep presenting themselves in both career, other areas and my own idea streams are going to lead not only myself, but my immediate family to great things, including my wonderful partner of over 17 years Ed, whom I’m finding not only still has the capability to surprise me every day but to still knock me over with a smile, but my close friends who have never given up or stopped believing in the wonderful knowledge that all these efforts are for something much much bigger, and dare to feel it with me. There is an intangible creation there, and I am blessed because of it.