life has taken a jump start in the last 4 months for a variety of reasons and while the results have been great, it’s brought with it not only a vast amount of retrospection and insight to what I’ve survived in my life, but a new focus on my goals and dreams and the desires to achieve them. In that discovery i have realized that getting to this point and pushing forward will inevitably cause some hurt to myself and a few others as i expel the last of some stains from the fabric of my soul, but it’s something i must do. i’ve just restarted the website on a new server, hence the reinstallation of word press at the urging of a new good friend (thank you melinda) and there’s a lot of changes coming here.
the last few months have been fascinating on a personal level. there are a few key elements i’m going to be leaving out this online blog but they will be surfacing in my upcoming project “Worth The Wait”, now finally scheduled for release on my 50th birthday in September 2015. You could say it’s a project literally a lifetime in the making as it will musically tell the story of the good, bad & ugly of my life
…but not to dwell on that for the time – i’m in such a great positive place these days that I can’t stand it. i’ve taken off over 70 pounds in the last 4 months and with that, my health began to improve. I of course hope it’s permanent but it is a sure improvement from where I’ve been for last 6-8 years especially and in some terms much longer. I’m walking everyday and to know that a little over a year ago i had major spinal fusion surgery and was living in agony every day prior to that alone, and well, to have gotten so far past that point to what I feel like physically at this moment is magnificent. the main cause of the weight loss has been forcibly reducing my appetite and monitoring what I eat, both in quantity and quality. Low carbing it mostly and greatly increasing my exercise. Right at this point i started from walking 1/2 mile to then a mile, and am now up to a minimum of 3 miles per day, and often 4. I even walked 5 miles this past Sunday and was very proud of that achievement!
part of me wants to say i feel “perfect” but I know that’s not anything that will ever happen. there are times i still feel insecure about quite a few things, times I feel my doubts swells up and want to take over but I also know that those times are much fewer & further between than they were and it sure makes me feel closer to “normal” than I feel that I’ve ever been.
Other than that major improvement, the acting career is going at a steady course and I film my 2nd movie this week for the year. It’s my first on camera speaking role and it’s in a film called “The Other You”. It’s very exciting for me. Now I have a couple of commercials and a couple of films and some excellent auditions under my belt, a good year of instruction that will keep on going and all my endeavors are creatively based right now, and that was my goad a year ago. Somehow the lucky stars fell my way.
musically, i’ve been gifted with refinding the strength in my voice and improving on it – mainly from the continued use and development and exploration into newer songs I’d not previously done, losing fears to try new things, not being afraid to fail….they have all been situations that have helped me to continue to grow artistically on all levels and I’m so thrilled to get to experience that.
Many will view this as rambling, some even narcissistic – i promise it is not the latter. The reason I can promise that is because narcissism almost defines that one acts with only intention for themselves. I definitely do not do that – and as time has gone on I have found that I finally learned how to acknowledge and own my mistakes, and learn from them. It’s a huge lesson that we all need to learn if we haven’t – and it’s been key in this journey for me. i find myself often amazed i’m still here and know how very close i was to offing myself in 2008. i was damned serious about it too, i’m very happy that something snapped, that i sought out help and fully realized something was truly wrong, and that I got to at least get to where i have improved to today – it’s probably the underlying cause behind every picture, post and statement. it’s been wonderful. and i share it with everyone i can, because i know there is someone, maybe several, who are in that same boat and who need to hear the words of another sometimes to get their mind in the right spot again.