how can i be so scared of something i know can not ever happen?
half a century old almost and i’m sitting still, scared of a ghost
it makes me wonder where all the healing, all the time, and all the joy
found their places to hide so easily when I was just a boy…..
You have no idea how hard it is to write a blog like this today when just a week ago I stated that I was happier than I think I’ve been in my entire life. The saddest thing is that I still believe that to be true. Except the last 48 hours have been another example of walking/living hell for me due to a nasty little bipolar episode.
Somewhere in between mania and depression lies a horrible state where you think you’re alright, yet your “triggers”, the things that can set off a mood swing, are being pulled all around you. Whether it’s manageable or unmanageable stress, unexpected issues, you name it, there are hundreds if not thousands of them. Effective management of Bipolar Disorder is knowing WHAT those triggers are and HOW to handle and manage them. But there are still times, and are going to be times, when even the medications I take (two of them) aren’t enough to quell what Bipolar Disorder does to someone. What is very frustrating to me is that I’ve had two of these episodes in the last month, and that reclassifies the disorder back to “Rapid Cycling” and we had just gotten to a point where we’d taken that out of the equation.
I will absolutely say that I know this is caused first & foremost by what I’ve been doing with my body, the physical changes and that of course has been a catalyst for psychological and mental changes. It’s a very connected symbiotic circle and it can be interrupted easily when it’s off kilter, made even worse by poor food choices and/or other issues like medication imbalances, which I think I’m still experiencing. But all of that sounds very technical, doesn’t it?
I didn’t feel very technical the last 48 hours. All I knew is that everybody and everything was getting on my last nerve, I couldn’t make anything right, everything is/was my fault, the animals were doing everything wrong, the sun was too hot, packages are too hard to open, the stairs take too long to climb, why does the stupid yard need mowing anyway?, get out of my way get out of my way get out of my way, and oh why am I even still around here? AND WHAT? That last one scared me to my core. I haven’t really had that gleam in my head in 5 years.
Don’t worry, I’m not entertaining the notion or anything like that. Far from it. You’re stuck with me.
But the defeat of this disorder….at times…..it is the most horrible thing I can describe. Today it was all moving so fast and so furious before we went on our walk and yes in true BD style I sat right here and swore up & down I wasn’t having an episode, knowing full well that by saying that I was admitting it at the same time, and I simply broke down from it all. Without going into too great of too personal detail for now I have spent the last 2 days reliving and reliving and reprocessing and remembering things I just simply don’t want in my head anymore, afraid of something that can not happen, afraid of a person I won’t ever see again, regardless AFRAID! I have been walking in fear, forcing smiles and laughter, and shaking on the inside of the insanity of it all. Questioning my own sanity to process just what I was thinking? It’s disrupted my sleep cycle, my exercise and eating habits, totally thrown my life off track – at a time when I should be rejoicing for the opportunities and actions I have in my life right now!
When I broke down, I had to utter the words “It feels like it’s driving me crazy.” and those are terrifying words to hear yourself say when you know it’s true at the moment.
Hours have passed, I got some exercise, ate a bit better tonight, and fortunately for me, my “cycles” last pretty much 2 days max. But the after effects are just as bad; there’s a real physical side, an exhaustion that is overwhelming. I know I’ll feel that tomorrow, and I know on Monday or Tuesday, I am going to need to recovery day all to my self.
I don’t know if anyone reads this. I hope that somewhere, someone does and either they know me, and know that this is something that might explain my moments when “happy pappy Kenny’ doesn’t appear to be present and in the moment. It’s probably one of the things I hate the most about Bipolar; it robs people of moments of their personality and lives, and it’s just not right.
I will say and agree to this: If it were NOT for the Bipolar Disorder, there are a lot of opportunities and chances that I would not have been afforded due to scheduling, work, etc. It’s allowed me to work differently than before to where i can go on auditions, follow these options, and maybe make some sort of use of the craziness that is attached to me via this “thing”. I truly hope those who do no understand what this disorder really is will take a chance to get educated, and never, ever be scared of someone. You can’t catch it. But for these reasons, and the advancements in my creativity – the thing I hope will support me through a lifetime – for that, I am grateful.