Last night, I did not handle myself well.
Not for a man who is telling himself that he feels enlightened over days from his past. Not for a man who feels he has escaped from the powers of previous fears. Not for a man who is very much trying to be more than he was given examples of as he was growing up. The scary thing is….I see events happen from time to time that remind me of events from that past, but from the other sides. Today, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted.
I immaturely and irresponsibly blew off steam via social media and angered my boss (not at the Arena) and hurt the feelings of a friend, period. There are no legitimate reasons that make that okay. I lost control on the ONE thing I felt I SHOULD BE in control of: myself.
And THIS is what Bipolar Disorder does.
I had the very sad realization today that I’ve been in a manic episode for about 5-6 days now, and this was the worst one since probably 2009. It’s over now, but I was crushed because I have come a long way from what I was when originally diagnosed. I’ve been able to learn how to effectively manage this disorder with therapy and medication. But what’s happened since I lost 80 pounds is that my body chemistry has now changed again. The science has been altered yet again, and the medicinal therapy that once worked at 300+ pounds does not work the same with my body 26% lighter. Adjustments will have to be made. One medication is at the low end of typical dosage, and I’m assuming we’ll increase that. I just remember the adjustment period the few times we’ve had to do it in the past and it’s not a very pleasant experience. I’ve had a really great last year, and today’s mental residuals are so reminiscent of “old me” that it’s just heartbreaking. I didn’t like him, and most other people didn’t either.
I also know now that I just cannot drink alcohol. For alcohol now does strange things to me; it very much changes my personality in ways it did not before. Inhibitions not only get dropped, they get eradicated to the point where I have zero filter and my inappropriateness nearly cost me my job and angered people who have been very supportive and loving to me, and that hurts me very much. Very much. Anyone who knows me well, knows that’s probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now…knowing that I have made someone who has trusted me and respected me and stood by me feel disappointment in me is the worst feeling in the world for me personally. If any young person out there is reading this, take that last statement and cut it and paste it somewhere – it’s the one thing you should take with you the rest of your life because it’ll save you forever, more than anything else.
Most people do not understand that Bipolar Disorder rips apart lives in this way; the manic side of the illness creates a mindframe that “allows” these scenarios to happen, tearing apart relationships both personal and professional – while the depressive side of the illness creates the opposite. I called my therapist today because I thought the day’s events were important enough to talk to her about, and she agreed. I felt “this” building over the last few days and was afraid it was coming, but felt a bit powerless to stop it. I do see my regular doctor tomorrow and will be discussing it with him.
I have lived my life about this journey very open and that is why I’m writing about it now – again, this “event” has been the most significant since 2009, and I’m not dismissing the growth that has happened since then, and definitely not the growth in the last 6-12 months. I will rebuild the necessary trusts and vow to not ever let this situation happen again, and you can all hold me to that. I must use this to keep my growth going, and do it publicly to be kept honest, and to set an example for anyone else going through a hard time brought on by their own actions in whatever situations. I must find my inner strength again, and hopefully by doing that I will truly be able to prove not only to myself that this promise is made on a true foundation, but to those I’ve referenced that there is a real reason that they continue to believe in me and not give up on me. I’m truly grateful because I know many people don’t get those opportunities in their lives. I vow to be that example.