I don’t really know if anyone is reading this as I haven’t been sending my posts directly to facebook for the last few days – where I’ve lived my life as an open book for the past 5 years – and I don’t have many subscribers. So maybe it’s just a really fancy journal for myself. But that’s okay.
I have lost 78 pounds since February 15 of this year. That’s 5 months as of today, averaging 15 pounds a month. That’s fine with me; the slower you do it, the longer it will stay off, and I understand that. It’s a great feeling of course, but I see myself in the mirror and think “Oh geez..there’s still so much left to go.” I have about 35-40 pounds left to lose and it’s driving me crazy, knowing that there’s another 3-4 months of this IF I can continue it at the current pace. And the really sad thing is, I’ve been overweight for so long that as I approach 50, my skin has taken a real beating. I’m terrified that it won’t snap back as I build muscle. I’m almost afraid I’m going to have to have surgery just to look normal again. The weight really did a lot of damage to my body, not just my skin, and those are things that you can’t just replace. It makes me kind of sad. In my mind, I thought I’d look “fantastic” if I took off the weight, and clothed, sure, I might look ok, or at least better than I did – even to the point where there are some people who just don’t recognize me at first when they see me. But I see me when I’m getting in & out of the shower and I think I’m still hideous and grotesquely obese, I am almost wondering if I’m seeing myself accurately in the mirror and that triggers worries about other possible issues. Given that i have suffered through a bout of mental illness in one form before, any kind of mental doubt at this time really throws me for a loop and makes me start to second guess everything…..I know that kind of self-imaging worry and non-reality image is part of the way that issues like anorexia and bulimia can start to root in one’s mind…..and those are definitely places I don’t want to go…..
I already walk a minimum of 3 miles a day; usually 5, and I avoid sweets, eat pretty well and stay low carb most of the time with a few treats now & then for special occasions. I don’t really cheat on my diet, and the weight is 2-3 pounds a week in most cases. Maybe I’m just being impatient, and maybe I feel like I need to increase my exercise and caloric output to make my metabolism kick back into gear…. but I cannot let this stop until i reach my goal weight of 185/190. I’m at 225 today.