As this is my personal blog, most of the things written here are direct reflections of the life experience I live through and hopefully grow from. From my viewpoint at this age, that is really what the goal should be: live it, experience it as much as possible, and grow from it, as from what I see, no amount of money can really reward you better.
From time to time I have allowed myself to revisit fond memories of friendships I truly miss from the past, and there are quite a few of those indeed. I have been quite open online about how these went astray, completely and wholly by my hand by dishonesty and errors largely on my part, in a time of my life – well over half my life ago, when I did not and could not grasp integrity due to undiagnosed bipolar and the resulting chaos it brought to my life relationships including jobs, family and more. Even though I was getting involved in music and theater at this time and having some beginnings of successful endeavors, I was still also screwing up other areas of life. I have stepped forward and taken complete responsibility for those openly and attempted to make amends where I can.
Yet there are still a small handful of people, 4-5 in fact that won’t respond at all. One of them I was extremely close to, and there was nothing heinously done to him that would warrant not even being given a chance to converse through email or online methods. So this is where the “disconnect’ starts to slightly crawl under my skin, but where I also start to now give myself not only more credit these days than I did, and finally start to forgive myself where others cannot.
Here’s what I’m getting at.
Out of that group of people, there is one who did allow themselves to connect via social media and we’ve been connected for several years now. They in fact are in touch with this one friend that I’m referring to, and I have thought many times over the past several decades about this “missing in action” friend, as we were very close, and as I’ve gotten my life back together, past the illnesses, the disorder, the surgeries and such and pieced my mind back together. I reached out, through her, to that friend and made it clear that I wanted to communicate, but that I was also wanting to know that they were alright.
I was told that they were “fine”, but that they didn’t wish to have communication with me.
I had somewhat expected this just due to the amount of time, and I was grateful to hear they were alive and well since I couldn’t find them listed on the social media platform itself. This was a few years back.
Two of the others I was able to find on social media during it’s initial heyday and very happily contacted them, excited to see they were online, and wrote to say “Hello”, trying to update them on positive changes within life, and could not even get a single solitary response. Not even a “Glad to hear you are doing better, thank you for the apologies, not interested.” – just NOTHING.
I’ve never been an alcoholic, but I know that part of the 12 Steps taken by recovering alcoholics are to offer apologies to those that have been hurt by your mistakes. My counselor has told me my extending apologies has been the right thing to do – but it is ALL I can do.
But as time has gone on, and I remember just HOW close we all were, I realized I also had things that I could “be mad” about from nearly 30 years ago, if I chose to judge someone’s actions based purely on the past….but I know that people can change…. I’m living proof of it. I know 1000% that I’m not the selfish ass I was in 1985. I at least had a documentable reason – other than immaturity – for some of my actions….and I grew up to be a person who lives with love in my heart, and the ability to forgive, and move on with acceptance, and the belief that we love people for a reason, and if there’s still a reason for me to be thinking about these 4-5 people all these years later, well, I still must have love for you that is pure in some form.
So, since I manage several social media accounts for OTHER People, I decided to sign on yesterday, and search the name for a few of them, and well, lo & behold, wouldn’t you know, they popped up just like bright shiny flowers..so my own name was obviously blocked from finding them should I be signed in under my own
Touche? Hardly.
At one time in the not too distant past, it might have made me outwardly cry or be truly and/or visibly upset. And while in my heart, there’s a little pain, what it DOES show me is that you 4-5 folks have fallen victim to what a good portion of the world has as well: For some reason, you seem to actually maybe enjoy holding onto a little pain (read: ugliness) in your life and holding on fast. You think if someone’s done you wrong then that’s their definition and they can never change, and well, you know what? That’s just sad. But it’s also not the truth. I think there are many people in our world that do this very thing.
In our terms of friendship, especially at the time, yeah, I told a few lies and I caused a few problems, but we also had some really great times together, and you cannot deny that – but if you wanna band together to have shut me out (which you did) in a permanent hate party, then you can keep celebrating. It’s really ironic because you each belong to a community that says you shun hate the most – doubly ironic because that’s a trait that is extremely common within that very community. Such a double edged sword.
Anyone who knows me now, and that HAS known me for the last several decades knows the struggles I’ve fought like hell through to get past and to grow up, to survive, and NOT be a person like I’ve just described above…. so I guess maybe all it took for me to write this letter to my past was to dig a little deeper signing in “outside myself” to see if the pettiness was really there, and sadly, it is. Go ahead & judge on the past, but as long as you do that, you’ll continue living there.
For me, I’ll continue living – and loving – based on the present, and the future, and the hope of what people are TODAY and what they aspire, and INSPIRE others to BE, Not what they WERE.
Bye, past. You have no place here.