a little record keeping, personal reconciliation, awakening notes

So today was a day of realignment, awakening, reassigning and the like….some residual sadness, and the inevitable residual physical and mental/emotional strain and exhaustion.  I remember feeling like this every single day years ago.  I can’t believe I ever felt this way every single day.  No wonder I was ever suicidal.  No, I’m not now, and don’t think I could honestly ever get back to that place in my mind, really.  But this feeling today?  Absolutely horrible in terms of the physical side of this disorder.  I’ll say it again – the general joe on the street has not got an accurate depiction in their mind of what bipolar disorder is like for someone. In time, the efforts that I plan on putting toward that will hopefully change that.  But that’s a bit further off.

I am proud that i have been able to identify correctly the problems that exist that allowed this to happen.  It’s inescapable that I will go the rest of my life and not have episodes, but knowing now how personally physical changes are going to affect me psychologically, they will be monitored more closely.  I will make sure of that going forward.  I’m proud that this wasn’t a situation that went on literally for months and months internally and Ed & I did talk about this tonight on a personal communication level, have created a “secret word” in the future for situations when he thinks that I may be entering into a manic phase.  As with any bipolar person in full blown mania the tendency is to immediately jump into denial, and with our secret word, it will signal me to really sit down and examine things going on at the time.  It was my idea.

Discussing the alcohol issue, I’m going to request directly to the owners of the bar that the bartenders not be allowed to serve me any longer should I ask, and I may ask the bartenders directly to politely tell friends or anyone asking to buy me a shot or drink that I’m not drinking, or buy me a diet soda.  I’m that serious about making sure this type of event never ever takes place again.

I have some plans for once we get back home for some major personal change I’m planning on attacking and that’s a good feeling.  I’m going to put a couple of other things in motion health wise that I’ve been putting off and now is a great time to do them.  The benefits from my last ‘health surge’ were so great and I think the next surge could bring the next great wave.  I’m also planning on letting myself write from this.  Once I regain my thoughts fully, I need to get back to the writing and there is a song that deals with this already planned.  Maybe that’s one reason it had to happen at this time, however regretful and painful it’s been in the aftermath for myself and the others touched.  Hopefully the end result will help us all in one way or another.

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