These seem like new steps; I feel like a child..

My last week has been very very strange.  I wish there was some way to record it as a video and just let it be seen because I just KNOW it would be understood then, because on a regular basis I do not think I can ever find appropriate words to express myself.

The “healing” that came so fast and so furious this year was fantastic.  Best thing i’ve ever experienced.  Mentally wonderful.  Physically I still can’t believe what’s happened.  And I was on the biggest high.  And then I dont know what the hell happened.  I know part of it, but I have had to make some very deliberate decisions to just keep my mouth shut on nearly a 24/7 basis – at least when I’m not asleep – because my brain has been running on overload for more than a week.  It has been hard to stay focused on breathing.

It’s like someone yanked a carpet out from under me.  Insecurities crept back in.  Self doubt – MASSIVE self doubt – started taking over.  And just today I have been sitting back thinking over & over how “all that work”….just feels”gone”.  I feel like I’m walking backwards with every step I take.  I’m not putting weight on but I feel just as fat today as I did 120 pounds ago.  I’m even seeing it in the mirror.  I don’t wanna trust a person.  I doubt everything.  I’ve had a few untruths told to me and now I’m finding it hard to accept almost anything from anybody.  I get up and force a good face and within 30 minutes it’s out the door.  That negativity just wants to crawl in and take up permanent space.

I’m feeling useless; unneeded for anything other than labor, unwanted, diseased, unattractive and annoying,  It leads to old thoughts I very much dislike.  It wreaks havoc on my creativity 1000%.

I’ve been “here” before but without tools that I have now; even though I am fumbling with the tools at the present moment at least they’re in my toolbox now.  But I feel like the equivalent of a child learning how to walk.  It’s exciting, knowing what was going on 6 years ago and being able to compare it to now, but it’s also sad.  This is never where I pictured my life to be.  I feel so “less than”….and that’s still really not the true me I remember, and that I feel I had a very good grasp on just weeks ago.  I want that guy back.  I liked him. What’s thrown the cruddy extra “loop” into it is that there’s been some unexpected health issues in there that I wasn’t quite expecting, and yeah I’m kinda keeping those to myself right now as I process. It’s not like the worst news in the world but I had gotten kind of used to coasting along with no worries there for the longest time and then I guess when something else DID happen it was so strange….I really thought I was in a miraculous “healed” stage. I am, in comparison, worlds healthier than I was even a year ago, but I do still need to see a doctor or two for check ups from past things. My body took a lot of damage in the last decade…and some of it’s showing now, especially with the weight loss….Oy vey…

Tomorrow’s another day.  We get up, we hope for the best, and we still put that foot forward, knowing that the knowledges you had or gained yesterday, being good or bad, are still going to be there today.  You just try harder to deal with the negative ones in the best light you can.

Going to bed.  First  a little spirit time, candles, and then hopefully some good restful sleep,  Good dreams, all.

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