Some lessons life gives you…

It’s sad that there are some lessons life gives you that just bite…

Some just take time to be able to be absorbed and some, no matter how you wish them to be different, turn out the way you DON’T want them to.  For my whole life, my friends have really been my backbone and stabilizing point.  I love my family for sure but I spend more time with my friends, or at least, used to, than I did with my family.  I think that changes as you get older for most people, but as I don’t have any children, friendships are really important to me.  After moving to Austin 16 years ago we didn’t have many here at first and although I had tons in Dallas, all of the ones there that said they’d come down often and visit and stay weekends….didn’t.  We only had 2 that ever did that, and that made me sad.  Time went on and my bestie in Dallas and I ended up spending even more & more time apart on the phone than we ever did and distance became time and space….again, you start not knowing whether to blame time or space or yourself or age….

But it doesn’t change the value of friendships to me.  So I forged new ones with great people in this awesome town….then got sick and a lot of them dropped out of sight…..then I got well and rebuilt again… but now I guess society has changed enough with generations that now I notice so many people only truly want to be close close if it serves them…that the close friends that you form need to be made early on in life because extending that close trust and friendship becomes something different as you get older, and harder when it leaves.

My current closest friend is about to move away in a month and that’s going to really suck, leaving me yet again scared of how I feel in dealing with abandonment issues regarding certain relationships…it makes me wonder if I’m not just better off not becoming close to anyone anymore.  I feel like some others that i think i’m close to are only close or presenting closeness because it’s more a benefit for them to do so, and really interested in who i might actually be…or how i could help.  i inquire about their interests and try to get involved but the sharing kinda stops there in return so i’m not sure what else to do there.  I’m not placing any blames, I’m just saying maybe that’s just the way the human race has started evolving these days….

i’ll always have the dogs, the music, things like that for the personal satisfaction items but i look back to the awesome “friendships” of my youth, .and in those aspects, wanna find a kite, and just go run in the wind.

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