I wish I could explain it…
So I’m pretty much a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”, and all the interesting quips that support that idea. You know, everything from “one door closes, another one opens” to “good things come to those who wait” and “if it’s not meant to be..”, etc., etc., The very kind that most people will roll their eyes to at the same time, the kind that your Aunt Linda says when you see her at Thanksgiving and everyone is sitting around the table just waiting to be excused but you have to listen to the story about the cousin’s neighbor who just had some kind of miraculous happening at the corner drug store or some ridiculous nonsense like that.
But at the same time, I still believe those phrases are built around a common sense of feelings that we’ve all experienced at one time, otherwise they never would have been said and we would never identify with them or understand them so easily.
So this “path” I’m finding myself this last several months….and my current day realizations are just, to me, incredible. While I’m generally an upbeat and optimistic person, on top of creative as a norm, for the past month I’ve had this unusually high amount of creativity. Almost a lifetime peak in ways, which started building right at the first of the year. While I have some definite personal beliefs of where this came from that I won’t write down or discuss online, I WILL say that when I’ve had large peaks like this in the past, they have sustained for a period of time ad then weakened by this point.
I’ll also note that many of them have been accompanied by manic episodes as part of bipolar disorder, however, I have had this so well maintained from affectations for over three years now that I no longer jump to that immediate conclusion. And THAT is a wonderful feeling! I can’t begin to relay how wonderful that is. For a good 7-8 years, THAT was a second nature way of life for me. If I began to be in a good mood and get super creative, I had to start wondering “Oh no, am I becoming manic?” Alternately, if I was becoming down, whether or not creativity was attached, I had to examine each and every emotional reaction with a microscope – is this ME Or IT?
All I can tell you is that unless you live with “it” you can’t begin to imagine “it”. Just wonder what it’s like to literally second guess almost every word you way, every move you make, and know that nearly everyone around you is doing it too. It’s dehumanizing and it sucks the soul right out of you, and you spend most of your time feeling like you have to prove that you’re just a normal person to people who’ve known you most of your life.
What compounded my life for the bulk of the 90’s and the first 1/2 of the 2000’s was that working and concentration for periods of 3-4 hours at a time or more, especially in the early days of treatment became impossible. Emotionally I was a wreck. It was as if a switch had slowly been being turned off in my head over the years and once it was off, it was off and then someone disconnected the wires and shut down the power plant. That period of time lasted from about 2008 til about 2013.
Seems like the power plant got turned back on in 2013, power started surging back in 2014 with a huge burst of energy, and the fibers had to regrow or something, “normalize”, or what-have-you…..
Maybe what 2016 was equivocates to a change of ownership and the new owners are kick-ass go-getters and I really like them; they’re ready to take on the world. They seem to like me and I know they do good business 😉 They have a lot of fun plans for the future and have some great company already in place. And the best part of it is, I trust them and know they’re good for it. Think I’ll grow with them.
The excitement I feel about everything right now is immense: the book, school, intensifying work on the album, this freedom of creativity that is growing everyday, surprises I know that I have for people with music they’d never expect from me…. it feels like magic to me.
They turned the switch back on. I feel “reset”.