Good morning world…
So it’s said that 90% of the world’s problems stem from tone of voice, and I’ve often thought that to be true. However, caught up as I usually am in m own world, I often don’t realize that I contribute to the problem myself. Stuck in my own “righteousness”, I sometimes hear the condescending tone emanating from my own voice toward someone before I can stop it, KNOWING that I do DO NOT MEAN IT…. AND IT MAKES ME ILL…. I’ll be explaining something to someone because I know that I have either more information on something, or worse – when I’ve gotten ticked off at a situation and am at that point irritated and before I know it the words have tumbled out and it just happens…. of course, the person usually either shows a ton more class than myself and either blows it off, walks away, or gives me the finger (mentally or physically) and we part ways.
Years ago, especially before diagnosis, there was a sick, evil part of me that actually got a thrill from these run-ins….as if there was something to be proven by confrontation… now, not so much…. and I’ve worked on it something fierce…
I want to apologize, right here, right now, to anyone who has ever been the recipient of that. My heart is good and sincerely full, often overflowing, with love, true love for my friends, and fellow man…. and I’m so sorry for these instances where I have not been able to control myself. I promise you that it has never been anything intentional… I spent many many years being told I was not worthy of anything…that I was stupid… that I was not worth being loved, and that was reinforced by physical hurt and abuse as a kid, as well as mental hurt from one parent…. and while I’ve been away from that situation for many years, I did not escape the mental parts of that until just a few years ago, and am still finding that there were a few traps set for me in later years that I walked right into.
In 2008, when it became very clear to myself and others that there was something clearly “not right” with me, and I was diagnosed as bipolar, I set out to learn as much as I could about the disorder. I could probably write a book with the information I have learned along the way about the way the disorder affects someone. I’m lucky in that I haven’t had a true “episode” in well over 2 years now, but from time to time, what was once called Manic Depressive illness – and is a disease – does still rear its ugliness in my head, and it makes me sad.
I watched the promo for the film premiering on HBO this coming Saturday that is documenting the life that Carrie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds’ life together. Carrie Fisher struggled with Bipolar Disorder for most of her life – and spoke about it freely. I decided to do that as well and sadly found that it alienated me from many people I truly cared about, and whom I thought cared about me. While I’ve always thought that I had many close friends, I’m sitting here at 51, wanting to be excited about the New Year and new opportunities but also a bit depressed about some things, and sadly, without one close friend to talk with….not a one. That is probably the first time I’ve experienced that in my lifetime. For someone who’s seriously considered “ending it all”, it’s a lonely place to be. It makes it harder to WANT to continue but doesn’t mean I won’t. It makes it HARDER to keep up the fight, but because I understand the importance of not giving up and sticking to my goals, I will find that strength and belief even if I’m not feeling it now. Right now, I’m not, even though I just landed a film that shoots next week – a film in which I am the only character and is a great piece to really stretch myself; something I’ve been wanting for a great while, and is extremely out of my comfort zone but will challenge me as an actor. It’s difficult to escape bad habits of last year and get moving, but I know I must. It’s also difficult to face mortality; having lost several close friends over the last year & 1/2, even harder to do it without friends close to me to just “hang with” and the comfort of stable income…and a world seemingly more unstable with each passing day…. but somehow I keep finding strength and THAT tells me there is love inside of me.
So in closing, if you’ve read this far, I just ask that if I have ever “snapped” at you, but you have ever also had good experiences with me, KNOW that the good talks, the laughter, the fun, the smiles, and warmth….THAT is the real me…the true me, and please don’t give up on that, or on me… I’m not done yet, and I truly need you in my life.
K